The problem with Christians.... Ok before I launch into this tirade, I want to clear some things up, so you good people don't try to riot my site. I don't do well with riots, I have a very loose policy on killing people, you don't want to try it out, trust me. I don't mind well behaved Christians that pray, and leave you the hell alone. They are cool by me, it;s the radical Christians that need a boot to the face that I'm talking about. If this isn't you, and you are throwing bibles at people, tellin me I'm going to hell, then we don't have an issue. But if you are...Move along. Here's the deal, Christians have this thing about shanghai-ing you into attending their church. I have no issue with going, even though i do tend to burst into flames at the threshold, but I usually cool off quick and behave while in the house of the lord. I go to weddings, christenings, funeral, the whole nine. But my issue is is with these old radical fuckers that want to convert me for my own good. Uhh huh. The security guard at the garage that I park in daily invited me to his church. Prior to this, we had a "good morning , have a great day," type relationship, so I said, "cool, I'll come one sunday." And kept going. So it's been like two months and I haven't gone yet and he's heated. The other day he was mulling around and when I passed he said "When are you going to come to church like you said you were?" Biiiiitch, Even my mama can't go there with me. I was about to give it to him, but then my ADHD kicked in and I was onto something else. He better thank God for that one, cuz that could have been gory. So then another couple of days go by and I'm passing though, enjoying the sun minding my own business when I'm greeting with this stank ass "good morning" with a whole lotta eye rolling. Oh yeah it was a monday, following by another missed opportunity it visit his cult ummm...church. Damn. So I just ignore it and haul ass out of sight before my mouth gets me into trouble. And so on and so on and so on. But it brings me to this: What on earth can be going on in your church that you can't WAIT to get me in there? The last time I saw somebody that anxious to get followers was in Waco, Texas, and before that the temple priests in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. And we know how both of those movies ended. This is another thing that is so "Christian-y". You don't see muslims trying to haul you into a mosque, or Buhddist coppin an attitude with you cause you won't go "Om" with them. Why o why must you christians let your crazies go loose on the world as such? How come it can't be like this: Them: " hey you wanna come to my church?" You: "no." Them: " That's cool." And you keep it moving? But not them in reality, Christians take this personal like you not eating their cookin' at their house, which MAKES me uncomfortable going there after all is said and done. Cause I'm sure they know you only showed up to shut them up and I hate doing shit for the sake of doing it. I feel like once I get in the door they're going to close me in and then the REAL ceremony will begin. Blame my imagination, but I just don't have the heart for this shit. Well... that's that. I'm going to keep ducking him.

I just ate some cheddar microwave popcorn that liked to turn my innards orange. Just Sharing!

Getting on my Bad Side... I hate getting angry, it is so unsmooth. Worse yet, I hate when chicks make you angry cuz it makes you look pissy and that's not good, especially really troll/orgre looking ones. Which brings me to my point. Umm, I have a co-worker that is so far beyond annoying that she's blog worthy. Ok, picture this: A fifty-ish looking woman from the marines that thinks she's a thug and quite often goes around all slouchy shoulders and shit sing TuPac Shakur. She's a Sr DBA but thinks her Sr. Title ( in our firm) gives her some clout. Ho sit down. It does no such thang, andall it makes you look like it a moron trying to be over people. NOT HOT. You either are someone's manager or you aren't. Sad ain't it. She drives a mini van that smells like hot old piss in the winter and like old toilet air in the summer. (no exageration there) smh. She's been working my nerves for quite sometimes now, but me and this ole broad is on the out, for real. And this shenanigans starts with some ole corporate softball bullshit. I knew I shouldn't have signed up for in the first goddamnned place. My team decided that despite signing up for some ole voluntary shit, that they weren't showing up for games, practices or nothing else. Umm voluntary is the key word there, no one strung them up to make them play, though we should after my $70.00 baseball glove purchase. I have slackers, I'm too competitive for the silly shit they're pullin and her half asses method of wrangling them in. But whatever. So anyway Mrs. Shakur decided that she wants to be on my bad side after a series of childish emails. But there are a few things that she can't know about my bad side. 1.The sun never ever shines there. Nothing is alive, not shrooms, not rats or roaches, I'm mean nothing. She'll die. I mean like wither up and kill over. 2. She's not cool enough to be missed. There's nothing cool about Mrs. Tupac other than she occasionally buys lunch. She's a DBA with a penchant for dressing terribly and being an utter loud mouth. Missing her is like missing a tooth that caused you nagging agony at 3AM on a sunday night, when you have to get up early in the A.M. You tend not to miss it very much at all. 3. You can never return from the bad side of things. Ever. It's like the sink hole of all sinkholes. People have likened it to the Bermuda triangle. El Cupachabra has a suite there and eats other guests. It's not pleasant. Well, she's there now, send her well wishes cuz that's all she's gonna get ole flat footed man lookin' monster. GOtta bounce, figuring out father's day gifts. Ciao. 50 points if anyone can guess who I'm talking about.

So let’s begin then.

What da fuck happened to Vivica Fox?

I have never been a big fan of hers, but let me tell you, this is not cool. If you have plans on donating your body to science, wait till you are dead. No one wants to look at shit like this. That kid born with three arms, can’t help his situation, but damn it Vivica, you could have. What is wrong? Was it anything I could have helped with? Somehow when things go this far awry, I feel like maybe you can just come sit on my couch and we can talk about it over tea. I could even make you a long island or something, anything but plastic surgery. Call me boo, we’ll talk about it, it’s ok. ________________________________________________________

Does Laura really look like Whitney? http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/06/05/mixed.up.victims.ap/index.html My next issue for the day is with this whole case of mistaken identity with two blondes. A total tragedy to be sure, but what the fuck, for real. How did her family, boyfriend and all get her mixed up AFTER seeing her? Umm note to my Family, Friends, please don’t act out in public like this. If you should happen to forget what my toes and fingers look like, play it off. This is embarrassing. They OUGHT to be ashamed of themselves. So this means they’ve been estranged for quite sometime now, Clearly. Have there been no Christmas cards, Easter basket, nothing for the last say five years or so. Is this honestly saying what we think this is saying? Do all blondes REALLY look alike? To her Fam, did you all even call her on her birthday? And to her boyfriend, the biggest WTF ever? Dude, you had to have hit it on a regular, you don’t know what her toes look like? How about flipping her doggystyle stance? Still can’t recognize her, obviously you all were heading for the end anyway. I WISH MY HUSBAND WOULD, act like he can’t id me without seeing my face! I’d get out my goddamned grave to slap him on the back of his head, cuz to be honest no body has toes quite like mine. I’m not saying it’s good or bad, I’m just sayin’.

_________________________________________________________ Last thing, but not least by far:

I’d so beat this man’s ass: http://www.cnn.com/2006/POLITICS/05/24/military.funerals.ap/index.html Recently the government had to jump in to prevent protesting at military funerals. I’d have to imagine it was for the protection of the protesters because ain’t no way somebody is gonna try to come to a Hairston funeral and try some silly shit like this. Seriously. We’d put the casket on the floor and commence to beating some ass, then straighten up and go about our business. I’d be the first in the fray, black hat and all! Honestly, I’m all for your first amendments rights when they don’t interfere with mine. Besides, my husband’s plans are to introduce my little one to fire arms the minute they can hold them up. He takes that right so serious, I’d hate for him to introduce a protester to it with the help of my British clippin’ outlaw midgets. It’d be so tragic. But seriously it took an act of congress to stop this foolery. You’d think people had more respect for others than to just roll up in the middle of your mourning to start this hot garbage. What if we all came to his funeral to tell his family what an ass he was in this life. I mean every religion has it fair share of fuck ups, but Christians are using up all their points pretty fast here. Muslims only get mad when you make cartons about their savior, what’s ya excuse out there? You can’t rein this in? I’ mean I don’t see how gay people are bothering you personally, enough to the point where you have to go bother good folk at funerals. What happened? You can tell me, did a big bad gay dude, dudette hit on you and you thought twice about hitting back, and your God made you feel guilty about it? Or how about some Gay person MADE you hang out with them. I mean they hog-tied you up and just made you kick it with them at Chili’s or some shit? Explain this phenomenon? Why can’t you all just sit the fuck back and let people be? NOBODY in the WORLD does this except for Christians. I mean unprovoked that is, don’t sleep on the Taliban, but don’t piss ‘em off either, you asking for a brawl and nobody , but nobody has tactics like them. I’m telling you, ya’ll you picked the right families to do this with, because the Joneses were calm and stepped around you, and though hey were hot they proabaly just shook their heads and prayed a little louder. Try it with the William’s family, or the Browns, they’d still be cleaning up the gore. It’s be like fighting fifty Busta Rhymes, Woo Ha! They wouldn’t be able to show the pics on CNN it’d be that bad. But enough of that. Peace out people, I’m back in rare form. I won’t delete this blog, I promise.