Where in the Sam Hell Are You Now?

I know you all miss the shit out of me, and I kinda miss you none commenting people too ;-). J.k. But I am proud to tell you all that my soldier is back home, and while we haven’t ripped the space time continuum fucking like we anticipated, we are now at a good spot in our migration to the middle of fucking nowhere. Well, this extended weekend was an absolute bust with sour cream and chives on it. Let me begin with the beginning of the bad fiasco that welcoming Phillip home turned out to be. I left ATL Thursday morning to surprise Phillip ( cuz he didn’t expect me to be there) and when I got in went straight to the new house to look at it. The first thing that struck me was how fucking filthy the carpet was, right? Ummm…think three 2-3year olds, a can of soda, kool-aid, ketchup and triflin’ parents ( umm they were the Woos, according to city records). I’m debating finding their nasty asses and slapping the shit out of them for the hot garbage they left behind. So I get my landlord Tim on the phone and he directs me to THE SHADIEST LATINO ON THE PLANET. I don’t want to credit anyone’s race mistakenly for this grimy bastard. So Carlos (the shady bastard) gets a carpet cleaning company out there Saturday. In the meantime, I lockup cuz I was too grossed out to continue looking around and I swear I saw roach kids on the floor. So I take the show to the motel where I check in and get comfy for a sec. I then decided I was starving so I go to Applebees to grab something right quick and a drink ( a woeful glimpse of things to come in the new city). So I sit there a good five minutes, make eye contact with the bartender and this skank serves like 9 people without so much as cleaning off the filth that was left on the counter in front of me. So I flag down a server, place and order and grimace at how I should’ve just grabbed my TOGO and gone. But whatever, the bartender swings by after the server makes her feel rather shitty about leaving out the token black chick and come to clear out the mess. By this time my TOGO order is ready and I’m real pissy cuz I STILL DON’T have a drink. Anyway I get this weak red shit, drink it up and bounce with no tip to the shoddy barkeep. Day two: I wake up and get sexy quick. All said I’m in a great mood cuz I;m going to get my soldier and the house problem is under control. My first stop is the bakery, and it’s a cool old school German style one, complete with none English speaking old ladies that are baking they asses off. I go in and get the last vanilla cake (the husband isn’t a huge fan of many cake flavors) and get “ Happy Belated Birthday Phil” on it. Since it was like 11AM and I wasn’t due go to the airport and its 1000 degrees outside, I tell her take her time with the lettering I’ll be back. At 1PM. I leave find the liquor store and as I’m picking out some drank, my cell phone goes off and it’s my ATL homebase telling me my dad had a seizure and is on the way you the hospital. I was worried, but I called my friend Aldwin that agreed to watch him for me ( with is usually ridiculously low maintenance), and he tells me he can’t leave work. Umm…wtf? Ok I call my back Tia and she’s on the way, but I have to spend nearly an hour and a half with the nurses and doctors (who were horrible btw) and get that shit in order on a temp basis. I get the liquor, and go back for the cake. I picked it up and was in a rush now so I just take it to the car without looking at it. That was until the lid opened and I see it’s a black forrest cake that 2X the size that I need and says “ Happy birthday Bill”. WTF for real now. I gather it up and take it back like what is this? These none English speaking fucks gave my cake away to someone that was obviously in a bigger rush that I was since they left with a cake for 4 people (the smallest size) in lieu of this monster bake shit I had. Long Story short, she asks me if I can just pick off the name. I didn’t throw it at her, but after explaining to her in as many as 10 expletives in a sentence in under two minutes, I eventually had AT LEAST Happy Birthday Phil on this cake. Ok so on to the airport in stuff. I arrive and meet the other EOD mamas, which was cool. UNTIL Melissa tells me that her husband told her that Phil’s mom told him that I was here. I instantly started to like my in laws a lot less ( gotta tell you all the neal story someday). So now I’m genuinely in a FOUL FUCKING MOOD. So the guys show up, Phil is like all extra what every and I’m neither swept off my feet, nor swept up in the tide of emotion I was prepared for, we just grabbed the bags and kept it moving. The rest was equally blah since I spent the whole night on the phone with the hospital and with others just trying to get my dad in a good spot. I was so not horny it was like ridiculous, especially considering I had 7 months to plan the insanely dirty stuff I was going to do to him. Stuff like this saps the horniness right out of ya....... Now that I look at this, this is gonna take a few Parts, So consider this part 1 and I’ll fill you in in a minute on the rest. Well tomorrow is Day Three: The beginning of the bitter end.